FROM SURVIVING TO THRIVING: Coping with Childhood Adversity in a Post-Pandemic World

Are you ready for a heart-wrenching journey through the impact of the pandemic on childhood adversity? The past few years have been a rollercoaster for all of us, and even more so for our children. As an educator, I am deeply concerned about the well-being of our youth, especially when it comes to mental health. It’s important to acknowledge that our teens are committing self-harm and suicide at alarming rates, and this has only been exacerbated by the pandemic. In this blog post, we’ll delve into how the pandemic has caused chaos in children’s lives, examining the widespread childhood adversity that has become commonplace in its aftermath. Today’s children are dealing with overwhelming levels of stress, trauma, and uncertainty, leading to unprecedented levels of anxiety, depression, and mental health disorders. In addition to this, the growing threat of online addiction in the new digital age cannot be ignored. So, fasten your seatbelt as we seek ways to cultivate resilience and well-being in these challenging times.

Impact of Lockdowns: The Great Disconnect

The lockdowns during the pandemic had a significant impact on our children. Many of them felt trapped and isolated, a phenomenon they called “locked up”. One of the biggest concerns that has arisen is the relationship between parents and children. We are seeing an increase in families that are struggling to connect. This disconnection often results in strained relationships and can even contribute to the breakdown of the family unit. Moreover, the amount of addictions has reached cosmic levels, with children and adolescents being particularly vulnerable. Vaping and online addictions which are as deadly as any other addiction out there, are just two examples of the types of addictions that have become increasingly prevalent. Many teenagers are drawn to vaping because it is seen as cool, and offers an alternative to smoking. However, vaping is not a safe alternative and has been linked to a range of health problems, including lung damage and respiratory issues. It is important to remember that while vaping devices are commonly used to inhale nicotine, teens are also using them to inhale other substances such as cannabis, cannabinoids, and derivatives of other drugs.

Childhood Trauma and Vaping: The Link to Emotional Regulation

So, why are children turning to vaping? The answer lies in emotional regulation. Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotions in a healthy way. It is an important skill that is developed during childhood and adolescence.

Children who struggle with emotional regulation may turn to vaping as a way to cope with their emotions; vaping becomes a way to self-soothe and regulate their emotions. Dr. Mona Delahooke, a renowned child psychologist emphasizes that children facing adversity often exhibit challenging behaviours due to developmental trauma. Whether the trauma arises from medical experiences, relational/developmental trauma or toxic stress, these behaviours are rooted in the child’s response to overwhelming emotions and experiences.  In her work, Delahooke emphasizes the importance of compassionate co-regulation via trusted relationships as the main pathway of support for these vulnerable children.  Researchers have consistently found that co-regulation is a superfood that develops resilience in children and builds their future ability to manage life’s ongoing challenges, face adversity and form loving attachments with others. When a child is being punished, yelled at, secluded, restrained or shamed their autonomic nervous system goes into fight or flight response chronically activating the stress response and we know from research this increases inflammation throughout your life and it is harmful to the brain.

Dr Gabor Maté has said, ‘’Safety is not the absence of threat. It is the presence of connection.’’ This means that the appearance of safety in a classroom does not mean a child actually FEELS safe. True safety comes from being seen, being heard and from human connection. In order to learn, children need to feel regulated in their bodies. Unfortunately, too many teachers and parents have been focusing on getting children to comply rather than on emotional regulation – which is what they need. The more challenging the behaviours, the more vulnerable the child’s nervous system.

Cyber World and Children: The Slippery Slope of Screen Addiction

So the slippery slopes we have to be aware of is parenting and the cyber world.  Screen addiction is as deadly as any other addiction out there – it is the digital cocaine! It is important to remember that children are still regulating and we as parents need to help them with this or they will get their script from the internet. There is a huge disconnect occurring in society today because of advanced increased technological addiction. Our children are not getting enough practice for social cues such as direct connection with others and being outdoors; to build their reservoir to be socially minded, to be socially articulate, to be emotionally intelligent, and they access the information on the internet which is not good for their developmental level. As a result, their exposure to pornography, violence and cyberbullying is at an all-time high.

We are in the battle for the soul of our children; every black screen in your home is a door into your child’s brain. As parents, we often focus on external safety measures such as alarms, burglar bars, electric fencing and armed security in our homes. However, we tend to overlook internal safety measures such as device security which cannot be overlooked. We must take the necessary steps to secure our children’s devices, including setting up parental controls, using strong passwords and limiting their access to certain websites and applications. Children are often unaware of the dangers of the internet, and it is our responsibility as parents to protect them. The internet has become a grooming ground for predators. Hackers and cyberbullies lurk in the shadows of the internet, waiting for unsuspecting children to fall prey to their traps. We must ensure that our children’s devices are secure and equipped with the necessary security features to protect them from these threats.

The Dark Side of Technology

In the two eye-opening documentaries, “Childhood 2.0” and the “Effects of Being Raised on Porn,” it is revealed that the proliferation of smartphones has not only made pornography accessible but also rendered exposure to such content virtually inevitable. Shockingly studies have shown that children as young as 9 or 10 may be exposed to pornography, underscoring the urgent need for parents and caregivers to remain vigilant about their children’s online activities.

Another disturbing factor is the manner in which algorithms utilized by social media can potentially manipulate and even exploit the developing brains of young children.  It is important to note that push technology, which often recommends content based on a user’s search history can lead to inadvertent exposure to inappropriate material. Indeed, push technology is another animal altogether, one that does not discriminate and can impact anyone, regardless of age or level of technological expertise. Moreover, these search engine companies possess an unprecedented level of insight into the behaviour of children and they can potentially tap into a child’s very brain, recalling every single word they have ever typed into google or safari. So the point is they know where your children are and they know more about your child’s brain than you do.

The Importance of Empowering Children with Healthy Sexual Education in the Digital Age

So what can we do about it? Firstly we must understand how the algorithm works. Children are naturally curious about sex and the wider culture is heavily sexualized. It is essential to provide age-appropriate information and guidance to help them navigate this complex landscape. Moreover, it is essential to recognize that online pornography is a significant source of sexual education for young teens, particularly boys. However this “education” does not account for consent or healthy relationships and the alarming reality is, the scripts they are getting online can have devastating real-life consequences. How do they face rape charges at the age of 15? The girl they were with, tried to say “no” and they did not have the script to navigate the sexual encounter in a healthy and consensual manner. As a result, they may find themselves facing criminal charges because they were not aware of what constitutes consent. So the biggest problem is, they are getting their scripts online and you do not want the internet paving your child’s brain. It is important to note that the legal definition of rape encompasses the penetration of any bodily orifice through the use of any object, including oral and digital penetration. It is critical that we as parents and educators provide children with the script for sexual education that promotes healthy relationships and emphasize the importance of affirmative consent thereby avoiding life-altering consequences of sexual misconduct.

It is crucial to understand that the notion of “boys will be boys” is a harmful and antiquated perspective that promotes toxic masculinity and excuses inappropriate behaviour. It is vital to be mindful of the messages we send to our children and the impact they can have on their development.

The Loaded Gun: Why Parents Need to Take Control of Their Children’s Screen Time”

Creating healthy boundaries around screen time is a mammoth task, but the first step is to recognise that we as parents must correct ourselves before correcting our children. We must take responsibility for our co-creation in introducing our children to the world of technology.  The entry where you start with screen time is significant and what their brain can handle. We must ensure that when we hand them a loaded gun, i.e, a smartphone or other device, they are licensed to use it responsibly. This could be setting clear agreements and family policies that establish healthy boundaries around screen time. One example of a healthy boundary could be a culture where everyone hands in their devices at night with a guideline in place until the child turns 18. Less screen time means more presence, and the connection we have with our children is crucial.

Children want boundaries, they want the safety nets that we are providing them. It is essential to create an environment where our children feel accepted, seen and heard because if they don’t find it at home, they will seek their tribe elsewhere. It is important that we recognise their inherent value so they don’t turn to social media for validation. If we see them as whole and complete, they will see themselves as whole and complete. We must remember that children are still learning to regulate themselves, and as parents, we must help them with this, or they will get their script from the internet which is not good for their developmental level. We must recognise that there is no job more important than the job of raising our children and there is nothing on our phones that should take precedence over meaningful conversations with them.

Furthermore, children needs us to feel safe and contained. They cannot relate to adult language, so they watch our energy therefore we need to check our energy; which is what we model to our children. It is also important to listen to their behaviour because children don’t have the language to express themselves, particularly boy children. Watch the music they listen to, their playlist of their music is what their feelings look like. As parents and caregivers, we hold a great responsibility in shaping our children’s future. We are carving their brain and we are the sculptors of their lives.

The Impact of the Covid-19 Pandemic on Pubescent Brain Development

As an Educator and mom of two teenage boys who have been following the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on children’s development, I have come across some concerning facts. We as parents and educators are not considering the schism we have had in the development of the pubescent brain during the pandemic. The COVID-19 pandemic has had a profound impact on children’s development. Milestones have been lost. Children have lost two important years of their lives in terms of life stage development, which can have long-lasting effects. For example, children who went into puberty during the lockdown did not have the opportunity to observe and learn from their peers, which is a crucial part of adolescent development. Children rely on social interaction with peers to model and mirror their behaviour, learn how to regulate their emotions, and develop their social skills. This lack of social interaction and peer modeling can result in difficulties in the development of self-image, self-esteem, and social skills.

Additionally, the lockdown has also resulted in children losing basic life skills that are typically developed through everyday interactions and experiences. For example, children who spent extended periods of time indoors may have lost the opportunity to practice fine motor skills, such as tying a shoelace or using utensils. These skills are not only important for daily functioning, but also for building self-esteem and confidence. It is important for parents, educators, and mental health professionals to recognize the impact of the pandemic on children’s development and work toward addressing these gaps. This can include providing opportunities for children to practice life skills, encouraging social interactions, and promoting physical activity.

In conclusion, the covid-19 pandemic has brought significant challenges to children, increasing their exposure to adversity, stress and uncertainty. We have also seen a rise in online addictions, particularly vaping which is often used by children to cope with overwhelming emotions. Emotional regulation is crucial in their development and parents must provide compassionate co-regulation to help their children. The internet has become a dangerous place for children exposing them to predators, pornography and cyberbullying. We must prioritise our children’s safety and well-being and provide them with the necessary tools to thrive in a post-pandemic world.

As parents, it is important that we prioritise our well-being first. You have to be kind and present to yourself first before you can offer it to another human being; as the saying goes you cannot pour from an empty cup. Moreover, if you don’t get in touch with your own inner child you won’t be able to get in touch with another’s inner child. So you have to drop into your own humanity to see your children as human. Maya Angelou poignantly stated; “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” This is particularly relevant during these uncertain times as we navigate the challenges brought about by the pandemic and prevailing global issues. It reminds us that learning and evolving is a lifelong process.